Rain

It's raining and it's cold but I can hardly complain about the day. Is it strange to think that this weather is rather perfect? I don't like the cold and I rarely enjoy getting wet-showers not included- so why is this weather perfect? I don't know but it is. I'm glad it's monday. I like the rain. I'm okay that it's cold. I'm even fine that I will have to go to work in an hour.

I need to start writing more again. I used to write so much- journals, poetry, letters to friends.... now i just don't. I'm becoming a part of the fast paced grown up world that no one actually wants to join. I guess I need to just put my foot down and choose to be me. I'm not a fan of what the world has become. I want change. I don't want to protest or complain, I just want to change it. So I'm going to try and change me. And then I'm going to live my life and hopefully make a good difference in the world. One day at a time. One life at a time. One choice at a time. This is me and I'm writing what I want to be. That's all. Simple. Like the weather. It just is and now so shall I be.

Long Past Due

It has been ages since I updated this site. I almost forgot I had it.

I've been so busy and I don't have much time on the computer being I still don't have internet at my house. Perhaps I should give up believing I can be a real 21st century gal? Anyways, as for an update....

I'm in the Chicago area. I don't love it as much as I thought I would. Chicago is still one of my favorite cities but I have been working so much that I have not had much of a chance to enjoy it. Shame on me. I've been crazy doing auditions and prep-work so that I can get my career started. I am currently a freelance model and have mostly been working with area colleges. I have been an extra in several short features and I work full time at a restaruant. My life has been quite hectic.

I recently had a breakthrough. I was accepted by REM Studios to be a part of their team representing the Chicagoland area in the IMTA convention in New York City. I'm so excited about it! I'm finally getting somewhere. Now I'm battling the fierce lands of sponsorship and fundraising. Everything worth doing is going to have its difficulties though. So if you have any ideas for good fundraising/sponsorship companies, please let me know!!! I'm always up for some assistance.

In other news, I have a new car. My beautiful Intrepid which I have had for 7 years officially decided to let me down. It was so hard to let her go but I need a trustworthy car. I have enough stress without wondering if my car will start. I bought a Mustang. So now I have new stress- rear wheel drive. lol. Why do I do this to myself? It's a beautiful car though. Almost brand new with red leather interior. It screams sexy and its super comfortable to drive. I'm still getting used to her roar. Somehow my lovely Dodge never had a growl like my Ford. A guess a little more horsey power goes a long way.

Well, that's my update for now. I have to get some more work done now. All my love,

The Now

Last night I baked cookies. There are few things I enjoy more than making things for people. I especially like feeding people. It sounds silly but I think I'm just very "old school." So old school  that I doubt the term existed then. i'm feeling strangly at peace and anxty at the same moment. Maybe angsty is the wrong term. i feel the need to be and do or to become. i'm love where I am.... well sorta. Here's where I laugh at my own contradiction. What i mean to say is that i would change nothing of my past but i look forward to the future and want some major changes. it's hard to be motivated to change and be fully accepting of my circumstances at the same time though. That's what i mean. i've been doing a lot of reading. I've even done some research which makes me endlessly, geekfully, blissfully content. i've been baking and handing them to every close family member and even took some to my doctors and my machanic. Maybe that's the country in me taking over. i just want to move forward. i'm tired of trying to live up to everyone around me; they're not even happy so why should i join in the misery? Don't i have enough to deal with? So i'm trying to be Leana. Fully me. Completely in essance-myself. Not complete senteces there i know, but the point is made duelly with bad grammar me thinks.

i'm excited for friday night. one of my coworkers set up a dinner night. he and his friend will cook and i get to make desert. awesome responsibility. i'm stoked. saturday is an anime night in theory. we'll see if people actually come to this one. i'd roll my eyes but it's not worth the effort. i still haven't found a church i want to try. arg! working on it still. i want my life to count. i want to give back the many blessings i have received. i feel like i'm just hugging all the goodness to myself and it sucks. i still miss be close to friends i love and feel close to. it would be nice if one day i would not be the odd man out. no sense wishing though. i'm happy to be alive and to be relatively in sound health. i'll just keep being me. someday that may mean something to someone. maybe it will only mean something to me. either way it will be worth the pains. i only hope people will forgive my  paddling in the wrong lane. the view is interesting in any case. :-0

well that's all for now. happy. mostly healthy. optimistic. realistic. chin up. braced for impact. smiling all the while even when it means a grimace.

peace out.

My Holidays: sponsored by Vicodin

Vicodin- makes you so drowsy and depressed you won't even know you missed something! Happy Holidays by Vicodin.

It has been awhile indeed. Alas much has happened but computer time is limited. The big deal right now is my surgery. I had surgery on the 18th of Dec. Happy Holidays, my sponsor was vicodin. All went well but I seriously can't understand how anyone volunteers to have surgery for anything but life threatening conditions. It sucks BIG TIME! I still have a dumb machine hooked to me which is suposed to shorten my healing time by twice over. It's on 24/7 and is constantly making noise. Drives me slightly batty. I can't wait till it's off!!!!!!!!!!! I currently am only working one job so I feel useless. I couldn't do both jobs with my surgery so I quit my least favorite and the one which is hardest to get to. Yay no more 3 hr transits on the public rides. Woot. I'm trying to look up during all this. I'd be lying if I said I was never depressed; it's been all I can do to hold together sometimes. I talked to my Dad for awhile and did a lot of crying and I did a lot of praying and I'm finally coming back out of the tunnel but I'm still being tested. Patience is definitely being built right now. I cannot express in words how ancy I am getting. I can't work out or anything. I feel so my empathy for those who cannot move. I feel complete and utter sympathy from a core I never had before for the individuals who have "no hope" of recovering. I put that in parentheses becasue I believe there is always hope. ALWAYS. It's weird how I don't even have anything really wrong with me but this stupid 11x7x4 inch box has people looking at me sideways. I hope the next time my curious brain ever feels the need to look at a person with a machine or machanical chair that I remember how I'm feeling right now and then I'll stiffle the urge to "glance." I feel like a freakin' leper the way some people look. And guys.... well lets just say this is the first time I have gone 3 weeks without being hit on. Who woulda thought I'd miss it that much. Seriously though... how shallow humans can be. The sad part is I can't point fingers. I know I've done the same in the past. Humility must be learned through experience I guess.

Things to look forward to.... the holiday party for Jimmy Johns. I pray to God I'll be off this machine by then. I'll cry if I can't play laser tag and bowl. It's been so long since I've done anything fun and ever so long since I've been invited to a party. No that's not a pity statement it's just true and I'm aching to do some livin'!

New Years eve I went with my grandparents out to dinner. The roads were getting bad so they sent me home early. I then dressed up in the dress I bought for New Years. I was determined to go out and have an awesome night and I found the most splendid dress for the occasion. Unfortunately due to several factors I spent the night home alone. I still put that dress on. I couldn't have alcohol because of vicodin so I toasted the year with cranberry juice in a wine glass. I watched several goofy favorite movies. Odd choices but for some reason I couldn't resist. I watched Queen of the Damned and The Princess Bride. LOL.

Christmas was better. I was with my family. That's all that matters.

I wish I could say my roomate situation was good. For some reason it is always awkward and I can't for the life of me figure out why. Two or three times we were able to have whole conversations but it has got increasingly harder to talk. The other day I was receiving one syllable replies. And yes I have asked if I did something. And yes I have tried to do roomie things. Nothing seems to work. I'm at the point where I'm looking forward to having my place back and yes I am very sorry to say that. I was so hoping having a roomate would be great. My other past experiences made me believe it could work. Maybe Janet and I were just closer so it was easier. Maybe living with my mom was easier because I grew up with her even though we had both changed a lot since last we lived together. Maybe living with someone from a different country caused my patience to persevere. I don't know but I'm sad it didn't work out. I hope she likes her new place though. She will be closer to the people she's always with anyways. I can't help but wonder what I did wrong though. I don't blame myself all the way but it takes two so obviously I failed in some way to make her feel at home. I hate situations like this.

I miss Natalie, Herman and Brad from work. They always made me smile. I tried calling two of them but didn't get through. Sadness. I hope our fun won't be all memory. Alas they have built lives here though so I can't expect much effort to get to me and afterall I quit the job. Yes surgery was involved and thus again not completely a situation in which I was to blame but none the less. Poo! That's what it still is. I miss the other gals from work too but I was never all that close to them so it's not quite the same loss but I still hope to see them. Once I get better I plan on heading down there and stopping by to say goodbye. I don't want to just disappear but again at the moment there's not much I can do about it.

So anyways, long story short. I'm still kicking but I'm in a little box so most people probably won't hear the sound. I haven't forgotten all of you though. I'm trying to get another job with better hours and pay and then hopefully I can get the net at my home and stay in better touch with ya'll 'cuz I really do miss our time together.... electronic or not.

Love.

My roomey and I had a nice time of reminicing last night. It was great to just talk to someone who has been where I've been. There's nothing like an old friend. New friends are great too but sometimes you just need to be with those who know you best.

Things are going fine here. I'm still on the hunt for a new apprenticeship. Hopefully today I'll get a call for an interview. At least I was told today should be the day. I hope it is. Hard times during the holidays though. It's so busy and all. Tomorrow I go in for my lab tests. Only a week before my surgery. I hate stuff like this but it'll be good to get it over with. I just want to be done with it all.

I have high hopes for the holidays. I'm crossing my fingers and toes and wishing a few moments of good karma so that a few certain situations work out well. I can't say what those are at the time but if they work out I'll let you know. If they dont' work out you'll still probably know but alas as long as it is a hope I cannot yet speak of it.

I've been incubating some cool ideas for my artsy projects. We'll see what comes of them. Right now I'm just in a lot of wait and see modes.

I have been working on my Italian and Spanish though. I even played around on my keyboard. It's funny how much you remember when you just try. I knew more than I thought I did but I still have a ton to learn.

Well to all my people in Xangaland. It's been fun reading your entries. Sorry mine are not as interesting. Maybe sometime soon they will be. Hang in there I guess. LOL.

for now...

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